This week Valerie Harper, the Emmy award winning actress who recently announced she has incurable brain cancer appeared on The Doctors. I had to watch. Only a few years ago my husband, Phil was diagnosed with a terminal brain tumor. He died eighteen months later.Like Harper, he didn’t ask, “Why me?” but rather said, “Why not me?” Like Harper and her husband of 34 years, Tony Cacciotti; we chose to focus on possibilities not the prognosis. While we told friends and family of the diagnosis we didn’t mention the prognosis to anyone. The doctor who diagnosed Phil told us right away that he had only twelve to eighteen months to live. He said the tumor was inoperable and even if it could be removed it would return. We went to a different doctor. After three doctors declared the tumor inoperable, Dr. Alan Friedman of Duke University’s Preston Robert Tisch Brain Tumor Center said, “I can remove this tumor.” Phil’s reply, “I can come next week. Right now I’m snow skiing.” He took the call from his cell phone on top of a black diamond mountain in Jackson Hole, Wyoming.

Phil (with Ron Carpenter) in Vail, CO, only three months before his death in 2009.

I’m not dying until I do,” Harper told the Today show’s Savannah Gutherie in a recent interview, “I have an intention to live each … moment fully.” Amen, Sister! Phil felt the same way. He lived his whole life full so there was no ‘live like you’re dying’ awakening upon diagnosis, but the last eighteen months he kept right on going. During that time we had several parties, traveled, snow skied, took motorcycle trips, saw the Grand Canyon, and he maintained his position as the top salesperson for his company. That’s more than some people do in a lifetime!

We knew the prognosis. We also knew that miracles happen. We knew that medical research is bringing new treatments every day and that the statistics that go into a prognosis are not based on the new treatments and drug combinations that are being used today. We lived with hope.

Some doctors say they don’t like to give false hope. There is no such thing as false hope. There is hope and there is no hope. Five months after a successful tumor resection, the cancer returned and Phil did die in eighteen months like the doctor said, but during that time we lived with hope.

I hope that Valerie Harper will get a miracle. That medical science will find a cure or successful treatment very fast. I wish her love, laughter and fun, every moment of every day for the rest of her life, however long that is! And I wish her continued hope because there is one thing that I know for sure–I’d rather die with hope than to live without it!

About thirty years ago I was living in Gainesville sharing a tiny apartment with a friend. I had recently broken up with my first serious boyfriend. Because I was young and dumb enough to tolerate the jealousy and control of a bad-boy boyfriend I’d become distant from my family, had few friends and no social life. No fun, no friends, no boyfriend. A decent job but no real focus for my life.

I’d read books about positive thinking by authors like Norman Vincent Peale, Zig Zigler and Robert Schuller. Then my friend, Connie gave me a book by Catherine Ponder called, The Dynamic Laws of Prosperity. That’s when I first learned of vision boards, affirmations and visualization. For the first time I was introduced to tools to help focus my thoughts on the life I wanted.

Catherine Ponder’s book presented the idea of a vision board in the form of a ‘dream book.’ Rather than putting pictures of what you wanted onto a poster board, you put them in a notebook. I remember sitting on my bed, looking at the photos in my dream book. I closed my eyes and imagined in detail that I would live in an apartment in the Atlanta area and call on department store cosmetic departments. I’d worked in the cosmetics department of the local Belk store and the sales reps that came to our stores seemed sophisticated and glamorous. The stories of their travels seemed so exciting. I wanted that!

Less than a year later I moved to the Atlanta area. Soon I was working for a cosmetics company as an Account Coordinator, calling on department stores. That led to my next career goal—working as a trainer and traveling the southeast teaching salespeople about our products. In that job I traveled to New York, California and New Orleans—three of the four places on my dream list!

Eventually I married a wonderful man who met all the criteria on the list I’d made of qualities I wanted in a husband. Creating a vision really works! With him I traveled to the other places on my list. I continued dreaming, visualizing, using affirmations and making dream boards as I started my business, we moved to a new home and traveled the world. And then my husband died. I had never imagined that! It devastated me, shook my faith and made me question my beliefs. For a long time I didn’t use the tools or focus much on any big plans or dreams. I just focused on getting through the days, the weeks and the months.

Now I’ve turned a corner. I’m in a new home and focusing on what I want the next chapter of my life to be. I believe there are things in our lives that are destiny. Things we didn’t ask for, may not have wanted and can’t control. There are other things we can control. We can decide where to focus our thoughts and how to spend our energy. We can define what we want, set our intentions, make decisions and take steps to create the life we want. It all starts with a vision.

This year my friend, June Cline and I are doing a Vision Board Workshop to share with others how vision boards have helped us through the years. For information click on the Vision Board Workshop Invitation page in this blog or send an email to me at Myra@MyraMcElhaney.com. Let’s create a great vision for 2013!

“So you want answers.” It was a statement, not a question but in that moment I missed that distinction.

I was just finishing lunch with author, Tricia Molloy. I’d gotten to know Tricia through business and I also knew that she’s a very spiritual woman who believes in the law of attraction, the power of designing the life you want and the infinite wisdom of the universe. Our lunch had been planned for a while and part of our catching up was my telling her that my husband had been diagnosed with a deadly brain tumor. Yes, I was looking for answers. Not necessarily from her, but as a spiritual woman I hoped she’d offer some inspired wisdom.

I’ve always looked for answers. I don’t just want to know. I want to know why. I’m always asking questions about why things are done that way, why do they call it that or how did this originate? My whole life I’ve studied life, looked at philosophies, tried to figure out the meaning of life and make sense of the challenges I’d encountered.

Now in the biggest challenge of my life I was searching for answers. Why would my husband, who was healthy, in great shape, ate right, exercised and took good care of himself, be stricken with a brain tumor when he’s young and at the height of his career? What was the meaning behind this? How would we handle this devastating crisis? How would it change the course of our lives? What would come next? Yes, I wanted answers. I had none.

Known as “The Queen of Serene,” Tricia didn’t offer any answers. No explanations. No attempt at trying to make sense of it all. Just a statement. “So you want answers.”

In the weeks, months and now the years that have followed that luncheon her words have come to mind so very often. “So you want answers.” It took a few days for it to really sink in. There is no answer. In this situation I will never have answers to why.

All my life I’d searched for and focused on a bright side of any situation. Losing a troublesome boyfriend opened the way to meeting my amazing husband. A work crisis lead me to find a better job. Losing a good job lead to the opportunity to start my own business. Failing on a project led to learning valuable lessons that would lead to bigger projects. I always looked for meaning in life’s struggles and obstacles. What could I learn? How could I use what I learned? I could always look back and see how the trials and tribulations of life made me stronger, wiser, better. I could always say that it all worked out for the best.

Not this time. There could never be a ‘next’ for which it would be worth losing my soul mate. Never would I be able to look back at my life and know that it had been made richer through having experienced the suffering and death of the love of my life. Never will I feel that the world is made better by him not being in it.

“So you want answers.” I don’t get answers. I get what is. One of the most difficult lessons I’ve learned in this life journey is that I don’t always get answers or the opportunity to understand why. I get reality. I’ve learned to accept that and find moments of joy amidst both the good and the bad of life experiences.

That doesn’t mean that I always soldier on with staunch determination and a smile plastered to my face while touting platitudes of positivity. I cry. I sob. I descend into the depths of depression, sorrow and sadness. I grieve and mourn. I take time to lick my wounds and to nurture my spirit. To soothe and heal before I get up and go on. Then I get up and go on knowing that the answers may never come and that’s OK.

There will always be things I don’t know, situations I don’t understand and mysteries that can’t be solved. I let go of the need to know and I go on. When I see others facing life’s challenges and asking why, I think to myself, “So you want answers.” I don’t need answers so much now. I’ve learned to dance in the questions.